12/18/25
Good morning! It’s Thursday, December 18th.
Answer the Phone Like Buddy the Elf Day
Cause he does the thing – Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?
My favorite color is green, by the way. Not that you asked.
And now, the news.
Update: Brown University
-via CNN
Starting with a non-update update regarding Brown University, as we start day six of the hunt for the shooter, there is still, as of this recording, no real update.
As I’ve said each time, ideally this will be outdated by the time you hear this.
Health Care Vote
Starting with a story that I’m going to call…
I can tell by the fact that you told everyone that your son monitors your adult viewing habits on your phone that you lack the ability to be embarrassed, but if you could be embarrassed… you should be.
On Wednesday, four moderate House Republicans joined with House Dems to force a vote to extend the ACA tax credits for three years.
The picture of Speaker Johnson as he talks to reporters about this is the best. He looks like the sad emoji. That’s like – well. This happened. Once again, I’ve been bested.
You? One of the great political minds of our generation?
How??
L O L
Under House rules, the vote could come as soon as next month. Which, yes, does mean these current tax subsidies will expire but it will be a temporary gap. But ideally, when Congress comes back from recess, they’ll jump right into it.
It’s unclear what will happen when this vote moves to the Senate but I mean, it did almost pass the Senate, with a handful of Republicans joining the Democrats. It just didn’t meet the 60-vote threshold. So it’s anyone’s guess.
But healthcare wasn’t the only area where Republicans and Democrats joined hands together and said… dude, I think we got got and now we gotta get em.
The Senate, on Wednesday, gave the final yes vote on a $900 billion defense policy bill (Tupac was right – “They got money for war, but can't feed the poor”) on a 77-20 vote that also includes this caveat…
Hey Pete Hegseth – we are very concerned that you’re now, what can only legally be called a serial killer (to qualify as a serial killer, the person must murder three or more people over more than a month, and including a significant period of time between murders, known as a cooling off period – which I guess we haven’t seen yet so current he’s just a normal murderer – ALLEGEDLY!!) So this includes a measure that mandates the release of the orders behind the boat strikes, as well as the unedited footage of the attacks, and it withholds 25% of Hegseth’s travel budget if the administration does not comply.
We love to see it. (We’d rather just not see any murders, but at least we’re getting somewhere.)
Venezuelan Oil Tankers
-via Axios
On Tuesday, Trump designated Venezuela a “foreign terrorist organization.”
The whole country.
That’s crazy!
Now, if when you heard that you thought “wow! I didn’t know you could designate a whole country as a foreign terrorist organization.” Play that thought out, please. That’s important. I talk about this often. Ask yourself, honestly, do you want to be judged by the entirety of this country right now? By its leadership? No country, group of people, no friends, no person (for the most part), is all one thing. You can make an exception when it comes to singular people, but like – what are we doing? The entire country?
One of my best friends is from Venezuela. I don’t mean to blow anyone’s mind, but she’s not a terrorist. She just… makes fun of me sometimes. That’s a different kind of… nope. Not going to finish that joke.
Anyway, no the country isn’t a foreign terrorist organization. That would be impossible. And to further prove that point out… There has been no change to the list of foreign terrorist organizations following Trump’s announcements.
However, he did say something else on Tuesday that unfortunately did see action being taken in response.
On Tuesday, announced that he has ordered a blockade of all “sanctioned oil tankers” into the country, a move that will further hurt their struggling economy.
Trump says this is because the country is using the oil to fund drug trafficking and other crimes and so what he has decided to do is surround the county by what he says is “the largest Armada ever assembled in the History of South America."
An armada is a fleet of warships. Let me be honest and tell you that I didn’t know what that meant. So there’s no way he did but I love that he’s out there using the word like he had any clue.
Sure Jan.
So he has surrounded Venezuela with these warships, apparently a record number of them, and says they will stay there until Venezuela gives America oil, land, and assets.
Why? He doesn’t say.
That’s… hostage?
A hostage?
I’m only realizing this now but… Are we holding Venezuela hostage?
We have surrounded the country with weapons and will only let them go if they give us something we’re asking for, but have no actual claim over.
Additionally, there are 18 oil tankers in in Venezuelan waters that Trump says the US will seize the moment they enter international waters.
Oh my god… we’re holding a country hostage.
Hello police? I was home when it happened. Or at work. I was not a part of this.
Pentagon officials have referred all questions about this to the White House.
Yeah, I bet. Because we have taken a country hostage! I, too, do not want to answer questions.
Coach Beard Goes to Washington
-via NBC News
On Wednesday former special counsel Jack Smith, aka Coach Beard from Ted Lasso (they are the same person, looks-wise. Not vibes-wise.), appeared before a congressional committee to say that his team found "proof beyond a reasonable doubt” that Trump engaged in what he called a “criminal scheme” to overturn the 2020 election.
Yeah babe.
Let me guess, you also found he did it because he dad never took him for a walk around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights and just hear what his week at school was like. Not to criticize, but just to listen.
What else have you found evidence of? The fact that the San Diego Padres haven’t won a World Series because we lack the ability to truly build a team, since every time we have a good year, the next season management just lets all of our best players go?
Evidence that Ted Lasso was always going to at least have a 4th season because there was the whole dark forest speech and we very clearly ended the last season with Ted actually back in the dark forest?
Evidence of Kelly Clarkson having a magical voice?
I’m sorry Jack. This poor man is being politically prosecuted for seeking the truth, he doesn’t need some bully podcaster to make fun of him for it. The man’s an American hero.
Anyway, this American hero who, again didn’t deserve what is clearly just me still working through my feelings on the election, said he found this evidence because Trump left it in the Mar-a-Lago bathroom! “Powerful evidence that showed Trump willfully retained highly classified documents after he left office in Jan. 2021, storing them at his social club, including in a bathroom and a ballroom where events and gatherings took place.”
And why do we know this? Because Jim Jordan, who, as a reminder, knowingly turned a blind eye to his college athletes coming to him about sexual abuse at the hands of the team doctor. (That’s not part of this story, but it should also be included in any story that talks about him) Supposedly, Smith, because Trump is politically prosecuting him, and for some reason, there are still Republicans who are sucking up to Trump. Jordan included.
Anyway, Jack Smith is an American hero.
The president of the United States did insurrection. Violently but also first he attempted to do via paperwork.
And Jim Jordan… is a creep.
And that’s it. That’s the news.
I’m proud of Jack Smith.
I can’t stress this enough… the man is an American hero and any podcaster who does low-stakes bullying of him should be ashamed.
Also I really hit the classics here: Kelly Clarkson and Ted Lasso in one story? I’m either really on my game or lazy. You choose (please don’t choose. I’m on my game.)
Also my friend Ana, but only because she doesn’t listen to this and true friendship is saying nice things to someone’s face, yes, but also behind their backs.
But more than mustachioed man from Kansas, because you’d never go all the way to London, get everyone emotionally attached to you, and then leave without saying goodbye or winning the whole dang thing (which is another reason season 4 was always obvious)… I’m proud of you.