05/09/25

Good morning! It’s Friday, May 9th.

Lost Sock Memorial Day.

What am I supposed to do with this one?

And now, the news.

American Pope

-via BBC

Folks, we did it.

USA USA

The Pope has been chosen and he is from… America!

Unsurprisingly, it is not Trump.

Do you think, hear me out, think about Trump. There is a non-zero chance, I’m not saying it’s a high chance but I’m saying it’s a non-zero chance, that when he heard the new Pope was from America… do you think he thought it might be him?

.00001%?

A little more surprisingly… it’s also not me!

It’s Pope Leo!

The first American Pope. Dude’s from Chicago!

He studied math!

Dude’s a nerd from Chicago!

He literally got his degree in mathematics before spending most of his life in Peru.

Pope Leo was born in 1955, a Young Pope! Which means… this is our first online Pope. So… that’s… that a whole new type of Pope. The internet, being what it is, believes it may have even found some old Pope tweets. I’m not doing a bit. This is real.

As a Cardinal, he was viewed mostly as a centerist, but in these tweets that are possibly, but not yet confirmed to be his, he leans more liberal, retweeting a post by Democratic Senator Chris Murphy about gun control. Another repost in support of George Floyd’s family.

Frankly, if these are his posts, those are things you would want a religious person to believe – that something that begets needless violence should be regulated and that we should disavow hate, especially race-driven hate, at all turns.

Now, are you ready for the best part? Are you ready for this?

This is why I desperately hope the tweets are real.

Because in February the account reposted two articals criticizing JD Vance’s comments about how the bible tells followers to rank their love of people.

That’s TWO Popes that don’t like JD Vance!

TWO!

That’s gotta really make you do some reevaluating. He won’t but he should.

Anyway, new Pope.

UK Trade Deal

-via CBS

On Thursday, President Trump announced that he made his first deal, in the post-Liberation Day sweeping tariffs on everything including penguins-era.

It was with Britain, in a deal that will hopefully lower most of the tariffs, but will leave in place the overall 10% tax. The details are still being worked out, but Trump said it includes “billions of dollars” in increased access to the UK market for things like beef and ethanol.

But what about crumpets?

What about cuppas?

Britain says they will also “reduce or eliminate” non-tariff barriers that Trump says discriminate against US products.

I… don’t know what that means.

As I mentioned, the 10% tariff is still in place and the first 100,000 British cars imported into the US each year will be subject to that rate, with each additional car facing a 25% tax.

Again, more details will come once they are finalized. It’s my understanding that right now they’re just trying to nail down how many seasons of Ted Lasso they can do. No work yet on my suggestion, “of all of them.”

Not – do all the seasons you can.

But – always do them. One for every year we make TV shows. Make infinity seasons. I’m not asking for the world here. You already took my Popeship away from me. The literal least you can do is give infinity Ted Lasso seasons to make up for it.

Big Friday Energy

-via AP News, ABC News, and CNN

And it’s Friday. It’s a Friday show…

A few pieces of vaguely related news broke on Thursday that added together to make for a great end to a Friday show. Let’s get into it.

First, after just a few months on the job, FEMA’s acting director was pushed out on Thursday. Just a day after he testified in front of the House Committee on Appropriations that he didn’t agree with proposals to dismantle FEMA.

Yeah.

The acting director of FEMA was fired for saying FEMA shouldn’t be disbanded.

….

“I do not believe it is in the best interest of the American people to eliminate the Federal Emergency Management Agency.”

A bridge too far, my guy!

Not to worry, the agency will now be run by a former Marine who has no experience managing natural disasters. He currently serves as the Department of Homeland Security’s assistant secretary for countering weapons of mass destruction.

Fired for saying he shouldn’t be fired!

Wild times!

And I want you to know that what I’m doing right now is I’m building up to something. Because comedy comes in threes.

On Thursday Donald Trump announced that he is appointed Jeanine Pirro, the Fox News host, and former prosecutor, for interim US attorney for DC.

His first pick, Ed Martin Jr, couldn’t make it past the football line after, among other things, showing support for the literal insurrectionists who did insurrection on January 6th when the President of the United States asked people to do insurrection.

He will now be tapped as the associate deputy attorney general (because remember – everyone fails up in the upsidedown), in a group that was created in February to investigate Jack Smith. That group is called, literally, the “weaponization working group.”

So… that’s where Ed will be.

But back to Jeanine!

The first hint that she was getting called up to the big leagues is that she didn’t show up to her job on Fox News’ The Five, which is a show she co-hosts there.

What is this conversation? What is this government?

I’m not even done yet! This is the building part still! This isn’t the end of this part of the segment!

Pirro was specifically named in the Smartmatic suit against Fox News for their lie about the 2020 election. Her show was also shown as evidence in the Dominian suit against Fox News. She is a big, big Big Lie liar. A big “the election was stolen” liar.

Dude. It’s 2025. Your guy won this time. Get over it.

Anyway, I guess the deal is if you want a gig in the White House, all roads lead through Fox News.

And finally, we come to the third story.

Because also on Thursday… Marjorie Taylor Greene, obviously (you’ll hear why it’s an obvious in a second) introduced legislation to officially rename Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America.

"Any reference in a law, map, regulation, document, paper or other record of the United States to the Gulf of Mexico shall be deemed to be a reference to the 'Gulf of America.”

Get a life!

Babe, he already knows your name. You landed your man. Now you need to play it cool. Have you literally never seen the hit 2009 film He’s Just Not That Into You? Stop being so thirsty!

On twitter she said, "Codifying the rightful renaming of the Gulf of America isn't just a priority for me and President Trump, it's a priority for the American people. American taxpayers fund its protection, our military defends its waters, and American businesses fuel its economy.”

I have quite literally never once thought about the name until he became president and now the literal only thought I give is that I think this is a waste of time.

What are we doing? This is so lame!

So embarrassing!

Find a hobby.

Imagine if any of these people had a hobby.

I mean, this is my hobby so who knows if that would help but I’m inclined to think it might help a little! They could at least see how ridiculous all of this is!

The American people want this. The American people want eggs! We want to not need to think about the government at all. We are a simple people.

There is not one single person, one voter, who actually cares about this issue. This is not an issue for voters. This is for Trump only. Imagine spending all of this time, and actual tax dollars, to… what? Suck up to him?

Mortifying.

Can’t get that time back, I’ll tell you that much. You look back on your life, you think about the dinners with friends you missed. Texts you forgot to return. Sunshine-filled days you were inside. And you wonder what you were doing and then you realize it was to get America to start calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, something no one else in the world will do. Something the rest of the world will laugh at. And one day, the best you can ever hope in your life, is that you become a good enough person, turn enough of a page in your life, to realize that was a waste and you regret it.

It'll never happen.

But imagine.

Anyway… find a hobby but I would recommend it not be the news because I’ve got this corner covered.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

Head’s up – no news on Monday. But I’ll be back on Tuesday.

I’m proud of… socks. I guess.

No, you know what? I’m proud of hobbies. More people should have hobbies. Just a little something for you.

But more than that. More than a little something for you. Because you are all the little things for you, but also, even though you are the best at your hobby, you could also go pro if you wanted to… I’m proud of you.