02/05/26

Good morning! It’s Thursday, February 5th.

Optimist’s Day.

If you’re lucky.

And now, the news.

DHS Attorney Speaks Out

-via ABC News

“This job sucks.”

That is a direct quote from a DHS lawyer who was called to testify U.S. District Court in St. Paul, Minn and answer questions about why the government has not been responding to judicial orders for people in ICE detention.

Clearly exhausted and frustrated by, you know, the world, the lawyer spoke out in court and the whole quote is this:

"What do you want me to do? The system sucks. This job sucks. And I am trying [with] every breath that I have so that I can get you what you need.”

The judge said the administration routinely fails to follow court mandates and additionally, they ignore multiple orders for detainees to be released, leading to those people to be stuck in these horrific conditions for days or sometimes weeks after they were supposed to be released.

The judge also questioned whether the Trump administration in contempt because they’re not following court orders.

The lawyer’s response?

"I am here as a bridge and a liaison between the one that [is] in jail, because if I walk out – sometimes I wish you would just hold me in contempt, Your Honor, so that I can have a full 24 hours of sleep. I work day and night just because people are still in there.”

She also said she tried to leave her job but "they couldn't find a replacement. So I gave them a specific time ... to get it done. If they don't, then by all means, I'm going to walk out,”

How’d she get the gig in the first place? According to her, she “stupidly” volunteered for it because they were "overwhelmed and they need help." She says she’s only been there for a month.

I gotta say, I think she’s right… her job sucks.

The judge made it very clear in the hearing that the administration is in violation of the constitution and it would be taking everything he heard in court under advisement.

Prop 50 Stays

-via AP News

In another court story…

On Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled—wait, no don’t be scared! It’s a good one!

On Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled that California’s new congressional map, approved by us voters via Prop 50, can be used.

This is important for two reasons: first, California being able to redistrict in direct relation to Texas’ redistricting means that California gets to keep a seat at the table.

Based on our population, we are wildly underrepresented in the House. Republicans are redistricting at the request of an alleged pedophile and even if he’s not one, he certainly thought it was okay to hang out with a known one (that’s how I think we should describe Trump from now on. Until someone does something, that’s how we should describe him. Donald J Trump – you know. That guy who’s been accused of pedophilia, and even if he didn’t do it, he spent a ton of time with someone who factually did do it, and, on top of that, he now says that no one should waste their time prosecuting those crimes anyway.)

Anyway, so that’s who the Republicans are trying to appease.

This at least helps keep our voice from getting lost.

But it also matters because voters voted on this. This is what we wanted.

Had the Supreme Court overturned the rule of us, that would have been very, very bad.

But no need to worry about that now!

Which is great, because there are so many other things to worry about!

Nike Federal Probe

-via Axios

Here’s something we can worry about!

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is investigating whether Nike discriminated against white men.

Their chair of the EEOC is specifically looking for cases, they posted about it on twitter, where they can help protect white men.

You know, the least protected class of all: absolutely medium white men.

Not one single absolutely medium white male has ever made it far in life. Further than anyone. Certainly they’ve never: become a CEO. Become a billionaire. Become a president.

Certainly they’ve never gotten out of jail for crimes they committed.

For sure they’re not paid more than anyone else.

Yes, the poor absolutely mid white man. Let’s all give them our thoughts and prayers.

Anyway… I don’t really want to talk about this case in real life. I just wanted to make sure we’re all spending time thinking about absolutely medium white men and how hard they have it.

They’ve never once made my life harder or worse.

Ryan Routh Convicted

-via CBS News

In Florida, Ryan Routh, the man who was convicted of attempting to assassinate President Trump (the alleged pedophile and even if he’s not one, he certainly thought it was okay to hang out with a known one), was sentenced to life in prison.

He was sentenced by Judge Aileen Cannon, whose name you may recognize as the woman who was like: hey, I actually think it’s very cool and chill that Trump stole a bunch of classified documents when he left the White House and then stored them in a hideously decorated bathroom.

(The décor of the bathroom was its own separate crime, ya know what I mean?)

He was given the chance to make a statement, at which time he pulled out a 20-page essay. Honestly, at that point, make it life plus three months for being annoying.

The prosecutor argued against Shipley, saying: "American democracy does not work if people take the results of elections into their own hands.”

Adding: unless it’s Donald Trump (the alleged pedophile and even if he’s not one, he certainly thought it was okay to hang out with a known one) trying to overturn the 2020 election and when that doesn’t work, orchestrating an insurrection, and then when he gets elected the 2nd time and he’s stealing the ballots from a Georgia elections office and trying to change all of the voting laws so only Republicans can vote.

Then… it’s totally cool for someone to take the results of elections into their own, very small, secretly bruised, and I have to imagine they’re always a little sticky, hands.

And that’s it! That’s the news!

For the week!

Yeah, you heard me. I’ve got plans tonight (I’m very important and fancy.) and won’t be able to record the news. So like.. no one make any news happen, okay?

Hey, it was brought to my attention that, at the end of Friday’s show, I may have, through simple cadence, accidently implied that people should eat Councilwoman Ruth Meowser Stanton.

I would not like you to do that. I would not be happy about that.

Just because she’s really busy trying to pass a bunch of legislation and we don’t have time to deal with all of that.

Thanks for your understanding.

I’m proud of… absolutely mediocre white men. They really don’t try at all, yet people accept the bare minimum from them and act like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. And still – they act as though they have it so hard… that’s a level is delusion that I can’t even imagine.

Also optimists. Which I am, I guess? And it’s really hard to be one right now. It’s not even that smart to be one!

But every single day I hear stories about people fighting back against this horrific regime, who have created this horrific moment. How could I not be inspired?

And as they win in the streets and win in the courts and we win at the ballot box… how on earth could I be anything but an optimist?

And because you’re the one thing I never even need to wonder about being optimistic about… I’m proud of you.