04/01/26

Good morning! It’s Wednesday, April 1st.

April Fools Day

My least favorite day. Because inevitably someone takes it too far and like… in this economy? What prank are you doing that’s a bigger prank than these bozos being in charge of our country?

And now, the news.

Kid Rock Causes Chaos

-via ABC News

I think I’m coming with a cold, so the theme of this episode is… they’re testing me!

And it’s only three stories in this episode, but these three stories are testing me!

Starting with… Kid Rock is testing me! This dum dum! 

So first… FIRST he posts that dumb post where he’s standing next to his little Statue of Liberty, saluting two Apache helicopters. 

That post caught the attention of the Army, who said it was launching an investigation into whether this little stunt was a violation of safety standards, professionalism, or flight regulations. 

When asked about it, instead of saying yeah I really regret that the post I did for clicks got people risking their lives to serve our nation in trouble, he said: "I think it will be alright -- my buddy's the commander in chief."

Adding on to that, then he said: "I mean, what are they looking into? They stopped for, I don't know, seconds, a minute, you know, maybe they were here three, four minutes, you know, just say, 'What's up?' and went on."

An hour. Two hours. Five days, tops. 

Moron!

The Army then suspended the pilots while the Army continued their review.

Then, captain of the morons (I’m sorry, that’s mean… I actually don’t know, in this case, who’s in the bigger moron), Pete Hegseth shared a video of the flyby that started this whole thing, thanked Kid Rock, who, by the way, has a song about statutory rape being mandatory, and then said: "Pilots suspension LIFTED. No punishment. No investigation. Carry on, patriots."

I’m dumber for having to share that story.

Ballroom Construction Halted

-via AP News

 Also testing me? This White House ballroom!

On Tuesday a federal judge ordered the Trump administration to hit pause on the $400 million construction of the ballroom, which it already demolished the East Wing for, all without ever asking Congress for permission.

Which he’s supposed to.

A legally mandated pretty please.

The pause was based on a preservationist group’s request to stop the construction, which the judge says is likely to succeed on merit because, “no statute comes close to giving the President the authority he claims to have.”

Girl, you’re telling me!

The judge, who was nominated to the bench by George W Bush, a Republican!, went on to add: “The President of the United States is the steward of the White House for future generations of First Families. He is not, however, the owner!”

So now it’s up to Congress to decide is this ballroom, which doesn’t make any dang sense!, can be built. The main stairs lead to nowhere! The columns block the windows. 

It looks like the ballroom you make in the Sims when you pick the biggest lot possible and you just want to make something and then after you make the outside, you’re like dang, well now what? This is dumb. I’m gonna go build a pool and then take out the ladder.

After this ruling, which very clearly said, stop building the ballroom, Trump brought handwritten notes into the Oval and when asked about the ruling and the notes, he said: “It talks about we’re allowed to continue building.”

Ankles to the brain, man. Give him a Lego set and let him pretend to be President. Have we thought about that? 

Mail-In Voting

-via CNN

Finally, here’s the thing that’s really got me in the mood – it’s about voting.

Obviously.

On Tuesday, Trump signed an executive order that would allow the federal government, not states, to decide who can and cannot vote by mail.

It’ll probably be blocked in court but in this case his little presidential fan fiction of an executive order directs DHS, with backup from the Social Security Administration, to use various federal databases to then put together a list of adult citizens, from which states can compare to their voter rolls. 

I’ll stop you right there… states are responsible for maintaining their over voter rolls, so this is federal overreach. 

But to continue - 

The US Postal Service, in the meantime, would only be allowed to transmit ballots for states that have provided the federal government a list of its eligible mail voters 60 days before the election as well as meeting several other requirements that would make their mail ballots compatible with USPS’ automated tracking service.

For example, you know… they gotta have a red-state return address.

No no, it doesn’t say that.

Hey! It doesn’t say that.

…yet.

Look! This is presidential fan fiction! It’s a cow’s opinion. 

It will be blocked in court.

In the meantime, it is up to us to turnout in massive, massive, wildly insanely massive numbers in the midterms. Because that’s all this is. It’s all because he wants to suppress the vote. He knows that the Republicans cannot win when more people turn out to vote. If he thought that, he’d be doing everything he could to get people to the polls.

So double-check that registration and make sure you’re ready to cast that sweet, sweet ballot.

You can do it at www.wearevoters.org.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I’m proud of DayQuil. I’m about to be on some right now!

I’m proud of no lies! Pranks, silly cute little ones, that’s fine. Tricking people and making them feel bad or stressed or worried when there’s enough in real life that’ll do that for free? Skippable.

And because you’re not skippable, nor are you a prank, whatever that means… I’m proud of you.