04/14/25

Good morning! It’s Tuesday, April 14th.

National Dolphin Day

Did you know that dolphins sleep with only half their brains at a time? Also, they use a different whistle for each of their dolphin friends. Their names are the whistles! What are their nicknames??

And now, the news.

Update: Iran

-via Washington Post and NY Times

Starting with an update on things in Iran, where a blockade of all Iranian shipments in or out of the Strait of Hormuz has begun.

The hope here is that this will force Iran to give up and give in, since more than 50% of the country’s exports, as well as all of the government’s revenue, come from the oil that Trump has now cut them off from.

What does success look like? Well, since Trump still can’t say why he started this war, it’s hard to say. However, the administration did say that their first hope is to get Iran to surrender to Veep Vance’s terms that he gave in the peace negotiations. Those include Iran turning over all uranium and giving up its claims on regulating traffic through the Strait.

The demands also included a 20-year suspension of uranium on Monday. I mention that one separately because, on Monday, the Iranians sent in a formal response to that and pitched five years.

So yes, both sides did, technically, walk away from the table over the weekend, but it sounds like talks are continuing through backchannels. 

And that’s where things currently stand.

Jesus, Trump

-via Axios

Jesus Christ, Trump.

Relax! I’m not, you know… I’m not saying that. I’m describing Trump’s latest foray into AI depictions of himself. On Sunday, he shared an image of himself in white with red robes, putting his hand on a sick person’s forehead while a beam of light emanated from the other hand.

You know… as if he were Jesus.

As if the man actively working to take food away from babies, shelter away from the unhoused, safety away from those coming to America for a better life… the man who is named in the Epstein files more than Harry Potter is named in the entire Harry Potter series… as if that man were Jesus.

And you’re never going to believe this, but not everyone loved it!

Shocking, I know. 

And then when people were like, “Hey man, not great.” He said he thought it was him as a doctor, and it had something to do with the Red Cross.

There’s literally nothing about the Red Cross on there. Maybe because he was wearing red? I’m not even kidding… I think because he was wearing red, he thinks he can use that excuse.

Mind you, he posted that image about an hour after posting a long diary entry on Temu Twitter all about how the Pope is weak, and he likes his brother better because his brother is MAGA, and telling him to get his act together. 

Just another super normal day for someone who is the actual president of the United States. 

He has since deleted the image, so don’t you worry. Everyone who was so upset can now return to liking him. Deleting it and pretending like it didn’t happen is the same thing as it not happening. 

Minnesota Kidnapping

-via AP News

Remember a few weeks ago when I said: and don’t forget that just because Trump said ICE agents are leaving Minnesota, and just because it’s not the first story everywhere anymore, doesn’t mean that there’s not still bad stuff happening out there.

For example… in St. Paul, Minnesota, the county attorney and sheriff announced on Monday that they are pursuing information from Homeland Security in relation to their investigation into the arrest of ChongLy “Scott” Thao, a 56 year old American citizen, who has ICE agents bashing down his door on January 18th, at gunpoint, by the way, and without a warrant, before they took him outside, in the freezing Minnesota weather, in his boxers and a blanket.

There is no dispute over his citizenship. At all. And yet he was arrested for a few hours before being released. 

They are giving DHS until April 30th to turn over the documents, or they will sue the department. 

Swalwell and Gonzalez

-via AP News, CNN, and NBC News

And speaking of governmental creeps…

On Monday, the House Ethics Committee announced that it was launching an investigation into California House Rep Eric Swalwell. Hours later, despite continuing to say he’s innocent, Swalwell announced that he was stepping down from Congress.

A classic “you can’t fire me. I fire myself.”

This will prompt a special election in California, which will need to be called within 14 days of the seat’s vacancy. (Not sure when exactly that’ll be.)

I can’t say exactly how much it’ll cost the state to have this special election, but the one we had last November was estimated to cost more than $280 million.

So thanks Eric. You were a piece of trash, actual human scum, and it’s also going to cost us money. Good stuff!

Feeling especially inspired, also on Monday, Texas House Rep Tony Gonzalez announced he, too, will step down from Congress. Not sure when, because he just said he’s retiring. So that one’s a little less clear. His statement says there’s a season for everything and God has a plan for us all.

Yes, I’m sure this was God’s plan for you, Tony. To cheat on your wife and kids with a woman who later died by suicide. I’m sure that was the exact plan God had.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

Tune in tomorrow for more updates on Iran, to see if the president is still beefing with the Pope, and whatever else we want to not lose our minds about.

I’m proud of dolphins. They just seem really sweet and gentle. They can blush when they get too hot and if one is sick the others take turns pushing it to the surface so it can breathe.

Also, the biggest dolphin? Glad you asked. A killer whale! A killer whale is a dolphin. And even though they are called killer whales, they are no reports of them killing a human in the wild. 

Because they’re kind. 

But more than some dolphins (because I haven’t met all the dolphins. They seem sweet but what if some of them are judgy and their whistle nickname is mean?) – because there are, to my knowledge, no reports of you killing another human in the wild BUT I bet your whistle nickname is super polite… I’m proud of you.