05/06/25
Good morning! It’s Wednesday, May 6th
International No Diet Day
I am about to eat so many Cheetos… that’s not true. Because it makes your fingies too sticky. Listen, eat what you want. Eat healthy. Eat what your body needs. Don’t moralize food.
And now, the news.
DFW Shooting
-via NBC DFW
We start how we start here in America.
Again.
Two people were killed and three others were injured after a man, who was found several blocks away and apprehended by police after a short chase, opened fire in a business park parking lot. It happened during a business meeting, and the shooter did know the victims.
There is no motive currently known, but police do know the men were all in business together.
This is the 126th day of the year, there have been 135 mass shootings so far this year.
Update: Iran
-via AP News
Moving to the Strait of Hormuz, where after one whole day of Project Freedom, Trump says that’s enough freedom and the United States will no longer be escorting boats through the Strait.
Why have freedom when you can have… not freedom, ya know?
Trump says this temporary pause is to give space to finalize a settlement with Iran to end the war. You know, the war he told Congress was over. Also, remember last weekend that he said he probably wouldn’t sign the peace deal anyway because Iran hadn’t paid a big enough price yet.
But anyway, freedom did get a whole day. What did you do with it?
Vaccine Safety Record Pulled
Saying, “the authors drew broad conclusions that were not supported by the underlying data,” the FDA withdrew the publication of studies tracking the safety of COVID and shingles studies.
"The studies were withdrawn because the authors drew broad conclusions that were not supported by the underlying data.”
The conclusions? That they work. Based on, you know, the fact that COVID numbers, including deaths, went down as soon as we had the vaccine.
The underlying data that it doesn’t support? RFK Jr, a man who takes the cold plunge in jeans and chopped the penis off a dead raccoon just to study it, just doesn’t trust it.
That raccoon thing? That’s real. That’s real!
It was in 2001 and he saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road, and then chopped it off to study later… his kids were in the car when he did it!
“I was standing in front of my parked car on I-684 cutting the penis out of a road killed raccoon, thinking about how weird some of my family members have turned out to be.”
They have no raccoon peni! They’re so weird!
It’s around this same time he was collecting dead seagull skulls.
And yet this absolute weirdo, who isn’t a doctor, is like I don’t trust medicine. I fear the brainworm was very well-fed.
Anyway, please still get your vaccines. Or at least consult your doctor.
Trump’s Ballroom
-via Axios
On Tuesday, Republicans proposed a casual $1 BILLION spend on security for all schools in America to make sure no one ever does mass shootings again.
No wait, I’m sorry, I read that wrong.
$1 billion on security measures for Trump’s ballroom.
Can you even believe it? And it’s part of that budget reconciliation bill, so they don’t need Democrats to get it passed.
What a bunch of losers. A billion dollars! Just to get Trump to like them!
Embarrassing.
EEOC Sues NYT
-via Washington Post
Speaking of embarrassing… The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued the New York Times on Tuesday. Why? I bet you can guess.
They passed white men over for promotions, apparently.
You know, the poor white men, who never get anything handed to them. Who never fail up. Who have always earned whatever they have. Who are never the worst.
And at a newspaper no less, because for sure they should make sure their voices are always the loudest in the room!
The EEOC is actively seeking out these cases.
Because again… the president of the United States is a white supremacist. Oh, Kim, come on. That’s too far. The woman that Trump hired to chair the EEOC said that she is under pressure from the White House to produce cases that match the administration’s priorities, there have been efforts to fast-track investigations into discrimination against white people, and she literally posted on Twitter: “Are you a white male who has experienced discrimination at work based on your race or sex? You may have a claim to recover money under federal civil rights laws.”
The president of the United States is a white supremacist. Too far? I’m not going far enough.
Election Results
-via AP News
And finally – it was election night in America and we’ve got a few results!
In Ohio, Sherrard Brown easily won his primary and will face Jon Husted in November. Husted was Lt. Gov. in the state but then the country was like “that woman’s too qualified, I don’t like her laugh, also we’re still very racist and sexist,” and elected Trump instead, and so Senator Vance became Veep Vance and Husted took that seat.
For the governor’s race in Ohio, Dr. Amy Acton won the democratic nomination. She will face Vivek Ramaswamy. Remember him? He’s a scary dude, he always feels like he’s about to snap. Genuinely… there’s something about him that seems very scary. There’s an anger there. I forgot about him completely, but now that I’m remembering, I’m remembering that I didn’t like him.
Anyway, he won his primary.
In Indiana, five Trump-backed candidates beat out the incumbents that were brave enough to say they wouldn’t gerrymander in the state.
Those five (could be six. Results aren’t in yet) lost their jobs but get to at least keep their souls.
And in Michigan, after going 16 months without any representation, District 35 finally has some. Why did it take so long? When their rep vacated their seat, Big Gretch was supposed to fill and just… didn’t. And never really explained why (though presumably it was because she didn’t want it to be filled by a Republican. But even so, that’s unacceptable.)
Democrat Chedrick Greene has won that election and will stay there until the term ends in January 2027.
Republican Jason Tunney has won that election and will stay there until the term ends in January 2027.
And that’s it. That’s the news!
I’m proud of food. Of all kinds. It’s just so great.
But more than food, because you give me energy and are also good for my soul… I’m proud of you!