08/13/26
Title
Cults Gonna Cult, I Guess.
Good morning! It’s Thursday, August 13th.
National Lefthanders Day
Well, alright.
And now, the news.
Fort Hood
-via AP News
Starting in Texas’ Fort Hood, where two people have died after an Apache helicopter crashed during routine training.
Both of the people on board died.
The crash caused a small wildfire, forcing several homes in the area to be evacuated.
No cause has been given for the crash yet.
Update: Iran
-via CBS News
And moving to Iran – apparently, per Trump, beacon of honesty he is, the US has "total control" over the Strait of Hormuz. And, you know what, "I THINK WE WILL KEEP IT.”
(All caps. Naturally.)
Iran disputes the claim and ships are still hesitant to pass through the Strait.
He ended his Temu Tweet where he said the US has complete control over the Strait, with – “Praise be to Allah!”
Remember the first time he did that and people freaked out? Imagine if any other president, or elected official in general, ended any message with “praise be to Allah” – Republicans would lose their mind.
Cults gonna cult, I guess.
In addition to pushing back on claims that the US is controlling the Strait, Iran has accused the US of committing war crimes as the country recognized the 77th anniversary of the signing of the Geneva Conventions.
They specifically called out the US for targeting Iranian civilian infrastructure.
On the same day that Iran accused the US of those crimes (which are bad, I’m not trying, in any way, to excuse them), the EU and 26 other countries called on Iran to stop executing its protestors and to let their political prisoners go free.
According to a May report, in 2025 the country doubled its executions from the previous year, killing at least 2,159 of their own people.
Pot. Kettle. How about we see you BOTH in court?
Wisconsin Elections
-via NY Times
Just a quick update on Tuesday’s Wisconsin primary – after a late night of counting, David Crawley, a Milwaukee County exec who dropped out of the race but, after the two big Democrats dropped out, was asked to re-join the race after establishment Dems worried about having Francesca Hong, a Democratic Socialist, on the ticket in the general, eked out a win a race that ended with them, as of right now (with about 95% of the vote in), being about .5% apart.
A close race, but a surprising one – Democratic Socialists have been taking these primaries all over the country.
Either way, the Dems need to take the House back in November and steal that gavel back from little Mikey J. So now Crowley’s job is to unite the party ahead of the general.
Oh also, Mike Lindell lost his primary for governor in Minnesota. Listen, obviously I think it would be great for a Democrat to take that spot but inarguably, no matter what, Mike Lindell, the pillow guy, is the worst possible scenario for the governorship so as long as he’s not making it to November, that’s great.
Senator Amy Klobuchar won the primary on the Democrat’s side.
The Republican candidate took home 179,576 votes. In all, there were 413,360 votes cast for a Republican candidate.
Klobuchar, on her own, got 614,474 votes.
As always - turnout, my friends, is the name of the game.
Lakers Are Sold
-via NBC News
The LA Lakers have been sold! For the low low price of $12.5 billion, the purple and gold are now co-owned by Bob Iger and… Josh Kushner. The kid brother of Trump’s son-in-law Jared.
Maybe LeBron had the right idea…
Kushner is already a minority owner of the Miami Heat and I’m sorry – how is it not illegal to own two teams that will play themselves?
Bobby Iges is, well, the former CEO of Disney but also the majority owners of Angel City FC, a women’s soccer team that doesn’t need to win, I guess. No team I love does! We’re just… love of sport! Happy to be here!
Leavitt Leaves It
-via Axios
And finally – this one’s really gonna bum you out, so brace yourself.
Karoline Leavitt, the White House press secretary known for being super respectful to the press, too respectful some would say, is leaving at the end of the month to spend more time with her family and extra large cross necklaces.
Literally the worst. She invited ridiculous actually fake-news oragnizations, like from Lindell-TV (yeah, like Mike Lindell, the pillow guy that just lost his primary, who ask questions like: "Will you guys also consider releasing the president’s fitness plan? He actually looks healthier than ever before. Healthier than he looked eight years ago, and I’m sure everyone in this room can agree."
Trump’s fitness plan? He has mystery bruises, eats burnt McDonalds, and feel asleep at MSG… there is no plan!
She said the Democratic Party’s base is full of "Hamas terrorists, illegal aliens, and violent criminals.”
And worst of all… she lies. She lies to all of us, all the time.
And I know that we have the president we have so like… it all blends to together I guess but it shouldn’t! It shouldn’t… It matters that she lied. Repeatedly.
One day she will realize what she did to this country, and I hope she spends the rest of her life regretting it and, if she can figure out a way to do it… trying to fix what she broke.
Anyway, she gone!
No replacement has been named.
Ohmygod… is it… is it me??
And that’s it. That’s the news.
I’m proud of lefthanders. You’ve really been through it. The mugs. The pens. The scissors. You’re survivors.
But more than lefthanders… because I don’t have you hear you complain about how the world was made EXACTLY perfect for you (even though it should have been because you are, obviously, perfect) – I’m proud of you.