08/11/26
Title
This One Is Really Going to Spin Him Out
Good morning! It’s Tuesday, August 11th.
National Bakewell Tart Day
Unless you mess it up, then it’s just a bake medium tart.
I say again… unless you mess it up, then it’s just a bake medium tart.
ART
And now, the news.
Western Columbia Earthquake
-via AP News
Starting in western Columbia, where a 7.4 magnitude earthquake rocked the area on Monday, killing at least 132 people. Unfortunately, that is just as of this recording, there are still many people trapped under the rubble.
More than 1,400 people are currently listed as missing.
The quake was followed by 21 aftershocks and is the country’s strongest earthquake in the 21st century.
Taylor Farms Jalapeños
-via ABC News
More bad news from a company that, it turns out, is bad news…
In addition to lettuce, Taylor Farms is now recalling products with their jalapeños in them. This time it’s because of a salmonella outbreak.
The recall includes guac (regular and spicy) as well as pico de gallo from Target, salsa from Walmart, and fiesta style salad shrimp from Trader Joe’s.
Although some recalled products were sold unbranded, recalled products were sold under these brands: Taylor Farms, Trader Joe's, Private Selection, and Freshness Guaranteed.
They include a "best if used by” date up to and including Aug. 16, 2026.
Hey, what’s a nosy pepper doing?
Getting jalapeño business!
BOOM! I wasn’t even gonna put out an episode today, but my MASSIVE audience said “No, Kim, please! You must! We need you to put out episodes!” and thank goodness I did. Otherwise, you never would have had that joke.
Childhood Vaccine Changes
-via Reuters
On Monday, Donald Trump, on the advice of Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr (cursed sentence), neither of whom is a doctor (or, if I had to guess, goes to the doctors often enough. Although, Trump goes a lot right now. But we’re not allowed to ask why.), signed an executive order to change the childhood vaccine schedule from 17 or 18 to 11.
Now, we all know executive orders are presidential fan fiction so the order actually directs the DOJ to sue state vaccination laws.
That’s a good use of money! The DOJ will sue, saying having healthy kids is in direct conflict with parental authority, religious freedom, disability accommodations, and equal protection, including rules on religious and medical exemptions from immunization mandates.
The EO also recommends splitting the measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine into three shots taken at separate visits. Not only is there no benefit to this, there are no licensed single-antigen measles, mumps or rubella vaccines. So this is literally impossible.
As a reminder, there is no link between vaccines and autism (which is what RFK Jr’s whole conspiracy theory is) and also – these people are out here acting like having autism is the worst possible thing in the world and it’s gotta be avoided at all costs. Which is not the case! Not even close!
The worst thing in the world, and to be avoided at all costs, is to be the guy who chopped the peen on a raccoon for study, for FUN. No one asked him to do that. He doesn’t have a lab. He just was like… he saw a raccoon, and his mind immediately went to – I wanna know more about his peen.
Well, no. That’s the 2nd worst thing in the world but should still be avoided.
1st, obviously, is the person whose best friend is history’s most prolific child sex trafficker and never letting anyone prosecute them because you’re listed in the files more times than Harry Potter is named in all of the Harry Potter books combined, while also having the world’s dumbest haircut.
Trump’s Little Hideaway
-via NY Times
Speaking of Trump!
Trump is going to be so mad that this information is out there but… after telling the world – guys! No one wants to kill me! Everyone loves me! Even my dad! NOT THAT THAT’S WHAT ANY OF THIS IS ABOUT!!
Apparently, during last month’s NATO summit, there was such a credible threat against Trump’s life that they had to sneak him out of the summit in a whole caper-style move that included first saying that, instead of flying home on the Qatar-gifted Air Force One (which he’d flown in on), he’d fly an older Air Force One for “old time’s sake.”
But then, and this to me is HILARIOUS – they hid him in a catering cart and took him to a secret third plane, which took him to the UK.
The catering cart! Like how Taylor Swift leaves a concert! Or how Michael listened to a conversation between Jim and David Wallace under a cheese cart.
He’s our bravest boy!
This one is really going to spin him out because he sounds so pathetic!
I can’t wait.
Jackie the Eagle
-via NY Times
And ending on some sad news – Jackie the Eagle, who became an internet star during Covid (who didn’t? Me, I guess) when a livestream of her nest, that had been there since 2015, gained millions of daily viewers, died on Monday.
From her nest, 120-feet in the air of a Jeffrey pine in Big Bear Valley, Jackie hatched a total of ten chicks: Stormy, BBB, Simba, Cookie, Spirit, Sunny, Gizmo, Misty, Sandy, and Luna. Four of them, Stormy, Simba, Spirit, Sunny, Gizmo, made it to the fledging stage (Sandy and Luna were just hatched this Easter weekend).
She is believed to have been the first bald eagle chick to ever hatch in the Big Bear Valley. Her parents were Lucy and Ricky.
Jackie’s name was originally Jack but, as she grew older, she outgrew her parents, which is how rangers realized she was a female and thus – Jackie.
Thanks to Jackie’s popularity, Friends of Big Bear Valley, an environmental educational nonprofit dedicated to protecting and preserving the area (which is, fun fact, the 7th most biologically diverse ecosystem in the country), has raised $10.5 million – enough for the group to create a sanctuary for eagles and other wildlife.
Obviously, as an eagle, there’s no like quote or anything to go on out here but let me just say this… people have playlists for when IT happens, and are genuinely sad about the death of this eagle.
There are many ways to be a person in this world – choose to be the better ones.
And that’s it. That’s the news.
I’m proud of Jackie the Eagle. That’s a great legacy.
Also, tarts in general. Bakewells. Mediumwells. What have you.
But more than all the tarts in all the world, because you’re sweet as pie… I’m proud of you.