05/15/26
Good morning! It’s Friday, May 15th.
Break the Glass Ceiling Day
So get out there and break the mold. Be the first. Break the glass ceiling.
Unless, of course, you’re a woman trying to be the president. Then I guess wait your turn.
And now, the news.
Trump in China
-via ABC News
Trump’s in China right now and Thursday was the big Day One. Here’s what we know.
The big thing here is that Trump wants China to use the influence it has over Iran to help end the war and reopen the Strait of Hormuz. And it sounds like that’s something Xi is open to but, just like any good mob boss – that’s coming at a price.
Xi, and all of the Chinese government, has had its eye on Taiwan since the island nation gained its independence in 1949. Since then, the US’ stand on Taiwan has been one of support without officially recognizing its sovereignty. Which has always begged the question – if China were to invade Taiwan (something that’s never been officially off the table), what would America do?
Well apparently, behind closed doors on this trip, Xi told Trump that the US offering too much support to Taiwan would be “an extremely dangerous situation.”
Because it’s possible that the thing Xi wants in return for helping put an end to the war is support against Taiwan, an issue that’s becoming more pressing now because the Pentagon predicts China may be ready to take Taiwan by force by next year.
The other thing that happened on Day One is that reports came out that, in meetings, Xi refers to America as a nation in decline and Trump then put out this insanely long Temu Tweet saying that when Xi so “elegantly” (for real, that’s what Trump said) called us a nation in decline what he meant was that we used to be a nation in decline and now we’re hot again. Under Biden, in decline. Under Trump 2.0? Best we’ve ever been. And I don’t know if he was trying to save face or if this is a classic from the ankles to the brain ain’t none of it working situation and he thinks that’s how language works, but when someone says something is in decline, that means it is in active decline. The word “in” is the way you know it’s not in the past but in the present.
So that was Day One… one of those things where it’s like – yes, that’s definitely important news but it’s not immediate news. It’s not something that’ll change right this very second. Just something in the mix. We’ll see what happens next.
BPD Leadership Change
-via AP News
Michael Banks, the head of the Border Patrol, announced on Thursday, via a Fox News interview (as is the way with this administration) that he was leaving the CBP. Why?
“It’s just time.”
Ah. Yes.
Actually, I’m really only mentioning this because his follow-up quote was so funny: “I feel like I got the ship back on course.”
I mean, not funny “ha ha” but funny like… was the ship the Titanic? And the course the one to the iceberg? Because you guys are famously not doing great.
Listen, we do need CBP. But we need it in the same way we need immigration reform. And by that I mean… in a way that is run seriously, and not by white supremacists (so not this administration, because let me be crystal – I’m not calling everyone in the administration a white supremacist. But I am, unapologetically and unequivocally, and not for the first time, calling the president one.).
We need a CBP and immigration reform that respects that this country is a country of immigrants. That respects that there are sanctuary cities. That respects that the people who are here without legal status, who haven’t committed any crimes except being here without legal status, deserve a reasonable path to citizenship, and it doesn’t start with “well, let’s just start attesting anyone who isn’t white and see where that gets us.”
And frankly, we need a CBP that focuses on the things they’re meant to be focusing on – they could literally be solely focused on making sure fentanyl stops coming in through Mexico (instead of having Pete Hegseth murder people fishing on boats). But that’s just me
And that’s probably why, while it’s unclear who the next head of the CBP will be, they’re probably not like “hey, what about Moffat? What if we gave Moffat a chance?”
Patel’s VIP Snorkel Trip
-via AP News
This isn’t really huge news, although I got like 5 breaking news alerts about it, so… I think we can all calm down. But apparently last summer, Kash Patel went to Hawaii to check out the FBI’s Honolulu field office and meeting with local law enforcement in what the FBI was very in clear in noting was not a vacation.
Who’s got two thumbs and is the hardest-working FBI director in history? Every other FBI director in history. Kash Patel – put those thumbs down, my guy.
Well apparently, while he was on this non-vacation, he took a “VIP snorkel” around the USS Arizona, the sunken battleship that entombs more than 900 sailors and Marines. Now if you’re thinking to yourself “I didn’t know that was an option!”
It’s not. It’s a military cemetery and, since 1941, the only people that have been allowed to make the occasional dive have been either to inter the remains of Arizona survivors who wanted to be laid to rest with their shipmates or, in a handful of cases, to allow marine archaeologists and crews from the National Park Service to survey the wreckage. There have also been a handful of dignitaries, including, again, those responsible for maintaining the memorial, to be there.
But that’s it.
Certainly not the director of the FBI who you just KNOW only wanted to go because he’s a big Michael Bay fan.
It’s unclear who all went with Patel but fear not, a Navy spokesperson says everyone was briefed about, “the historic significance of the Memorial as the final resting place/tomb for hundreds of service members.”
Oh good, as long as they were briefed.
South Carolina Gov Calls Special Session
-via CBS News
And we’re going to end on an up (actually we’re going to end on some bullying) but first… lemme get mad!
In a first for our nation… I spoke too soon yesterday. South Carolina’s Governor Henry McMaster (McMaster of disenfranchising voters, amiright? You’ll get the joke in a second) has called a special session of the state legislature so that they can take another vote on redrawing the map in a way that would disenfranchise voters by turning the entire state red and changing House Democrat Jim Clyburn’s district in a way that would make it harder for him to win reelection.
As you recall, this map didn’t pass the state Senate on Wednesday, but with this special session today, they only need a simple majority thumbs up.
South Carolina’s primaries are June 9th – the state has a separate bill that would move the primary to August because if they’re going to cheat, they’re reaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy gonna cheat.
And speaking of special sessions – Georgia’s governor Brian Kemp, famous lover of disenfranchising voters, has called for a June 17th special session to do their own redistricting.
They’re spending so much money, and wasting so much time… and may it all blow up in their faces because do not, do not do not do not, do NOT misunderstand what is happening. The only reason any of this is happening is because they do not want every single voter’s voice to count equally.
That’s it. That’s the only reason.
SCOTUS Allows Telehealth Abortions
-via CNN
And for an up… on Thursday the Supreme Court ruled that access to the abortion pill through the mail, or telehealth, can continue while a lower court case plays out.
The ruling was handed down an hour before the previous stay was set to expire.
The official vote count is unknown, but we know Historical Badman Justice Thomas, as well as Justice Aleako, voted against it because they wrote dissents. Alito’s included this gem: “What is at stake is the perpetration of a scheme to undermine our decision.” The decision being to overturn Roe.
Okay well when you were being confirmed for your Supreme Court seat, you called Roe a "important precedent of the Supreme Court" and said you were entitled to respect stare decisis (which is a latin legal principle that basically means you’ll stand by things that have already been decided and not, you know, overturn them).
So there are a lot of things are at stake here, Alito, but you’ve already undermined the decision made in 1973 that said we deserve bodily autonomy so I guess we’re both just going to live with some disappointment here.
But the point is – access to the abortion pill will, for now, continue through the mail or telehealth.
Trump Cell Phone
-via CBS News
And finally – in keeping with the long-standing position of bullying the bullies here on this show… Trump Mobile will begin shipping its first phone, the T1, this week.
Get excited!
They were announced a year ago – just now shipping.
In order to get the phone, you had to put down a $100 deposit and it’s actually gotta be a relief for those who put down a deposit that these phones are shipping at all because, in April (AFTER TAKING THE MONEY) the terms and conditions of the phone changed to add a line saying the deposit "does not guarantee that a device will be produced or made available for purchase."
Also, the phone was supposed to be fully made in America. Now, it’s "shaped by American innovation" and relies on "American teams helping guide design and quality."
This moron… and listen, say what you want about the people who bought the phone. My guess is the median age is 82. I’m not interested in making fun of them – they’re in a cult. We don’t punch down.
Trump is such a grifter! And what a gross dork! You know what this reminds me of? The movie Trial and Error. Stick with me… in Trial and Error, Rip Torn’s character was a con artist who sold "copper engravings of Abraham Lincoln" through the mail for $17.99
They were pennies.
Trump is Rip Torn’s character!
He really does put his name on everything. And they’re all so ugly! He has the worst possible taste. From the suits to the phones to the water bottles to the casinos… imagine having that many opportunities and failing every single time.
Every time!!
The man wears a suit every single day and he hasn’t ever even done that correctly. Not one single suit in that man’s closet fits him correctly.